Friday, August 15, 2008
Optimism or something like it
In my quest to be a more optimistic person I often find myself caught between looking at the bright side and telling the truth of what's really going on. Sometimes the two don't line up...these days the two seem to have a hard time meeting up around here. I guess what I struggle with is what exactly is optimism? Is it looking at the "bright side?" Is it having the "right" attitude about something...would it be saying "today Hewitt only had 100 seizures instead of 300." Or, would it be saying I'm so thankful Hewitt only has seizures and epilepsy and not a terminal illness? I keep trying to find this balance because it doesn't seem fair to Hewitt to compare what he's experiencing with something worse. There will always be something worse. But the fact that there's something worse doesn't change that his quality of life is significantly less than it was 5 months ago. It doesn't change that he has scar tissue build up over his right eye because he's hit that part of his head so many times from the drops. It doesn't change the fact that he knows he can't get up and walk around without his helmet on. He knows if he wants to get around on the hard floor he has to scoot on his bottom. Every time I see him do this without me telling him to, I want to scream. And, although it really is a blessing to me that he's not fighting me on it...I wish he was. I wish he wanted to get up and walk everywhere on his own without me holding his wrist, I wish that he wouldn't be okay with sitting in bed for a whole day hooked up to wires and being videotaped, I wish he hated his ridiculously large hockey helmet that protects his little face...I just wish he didn't have to do this. I want to take it away from him so badly and I hate that I can't. I just can't. So, part of me says screw optimism, why bother...there will be a day when I can look at life through those eyes again, but that day is not today. Today I'm sad and I'm frustrated that this has become normal for us. I don't want this to be normal. I don't want it to be my "new normal." But, I know I can't go through life this way, or even the rest of the week. It doesn't work, because I have 4 little boys looking to me for how to live and I certainly don't want to see my sadness on their faces. So, tonight I will lay this at God's feet once again, go to sleep, and get up and do it all over again. There will be a better day, a better week, a better month. I have to hope for that. So, maybe optimism does work. Maybe I just need to change my definition.