God amazes me. I wish I had a better word then amazes, because I happen to use that when referring to all kinds of things. Like the great wash machine someone gave me that holds a ton of clothes...hardly the same playing field as God. Nonetheless, in my inadequate human terms, He is amazing. When all of this started with Hewitt, He gave me this adrenaline I'd never had before. I didn't really care if I slept, I didn't need or want a break, I just wanted to be near him all the time. I would like to think these are the maternal instincts He created me with. I had just never felt them quite so intensely. But, like anything that repeats itself for so long - I began to grow tired...maybe about a month ago.
I have been asking God for a break, for a reprieve, to lift my heart and soul. I didn't know what that was going to look like, but I was resting in His promise that He gives rest to the weary. (matthew 11:28-30) I had an older, wiser woman once tell me that as a busy mom you have to stop looking for the breaks all the time and trust that God is going to give them to you. He knows the burden we carry and He wants to take it from us. So, last weekend when our friends unexpectedly offered to take the kids I thought this is the break He has been planning. Praise Him! He is good. Friends we feel good leaving Hewitt (and Lincoln and Everett) with. Time away. Time alone. Time with just Titus. (a rarity) God provided physical and mental rest at a wonderful time. My body and mind have felt rejuvenated all week.
But, I'll be honest...as soon as we saw Hewitt again on Monday and saw him dropping and drooling and staring off...my heart was so heavy burdened again. I felt a little embittered at my break. I knew it was good, I knew it was from God, but I still felt so sad. All day long I am restricting him from things that every normal kid should be able to do...it's so exhausting. I feel like I'm withholding childhood from him at times...I carry this guilt, and I can see now, a brokenheart. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my brokenheart. It has come so unexpectedly, and I don't know how to heal it. I can't change what's happened to him and I have to keep doing what I'm doing to keep him safe. Tonight, God gave me something beautiful - and I think the reprieve my heart needed. It was very simple, and it might seem silly. But, we went to this fair with friends in Mountlake Terrace tonight. We sat in this field while live music played and all the boys were up and dancing, except Hewitt. Sometimes I can't even look at him when we're faced with these situations. I want to let him go so badly, but I don't want him to get hurt. We hadn't seen any seizures in a while, so we decided to let him get out of the stroller. We got him out and that little boy danced like I had never seen him dance before. (He was on super soft grass and he didn't have his helmet on.) He danced to Pink Floyd and Billy Joel songs with ladies he didn't know, he boogied all over the place. It brought so much joy to my heart and soul...I couldn't even describe the feeling, just watching him have fun, be a kid and MOVE around without someone holding his hand or anything. I felt like I was radiating within. And with that one little event, God is showing me He will heal my heart. He will lift my soul.
Psalm 147:3 - "he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."