A Letter to Laura

{Originally written October 2012}

My sweet friend,

I wish I knew the exact number of times that you've come to mind this last year.  I would like to think that it would encourage you somehow.  To know that you are thought of, loved and prayed for so often. If you could hear and see how many people have thought, prayed and cried for you as you've walked this journey over the last year. How we have watched, some up close and many from afar, your hearts be broken in a way unimaginable to most parents.  I think back to October of last year.  I don't know if you realize this or if I ever told you, but Kingston was born on October 15th - Brynna's due date.  I can't type that without crying. I know that you would never want me to feel guilty for not losing my baby, but so often, I look at him and I think of her and your family and all of the wonderful things of having a new baby in the house, and how unfair it is that you aren't holding her right now. I think they call it survivor guilt?   I think about that Sunday morning, sitting in the nursery with him, I felt a tug on my heart to pray for you.  I didn't know why at the time, but God was asking me to pray without knowing why.  I think I messaged you on Facebook to tell you that He had put you on my heart.  Little did we know what was about to happen.

Hayden and I went on a trip this month and we arrived home on the 15th.  I felt bad that we missed most of Kingston's first birthday, but figured we could just celebrate when we got home that weekend.  Well, the supplies are bought, it's now 2 weeks past his first birthday and we still haven't done a party for him.  I keep thinking about you and your remembering Brynna's birthday.  I think about how I want to do something to honor her, to honor all of you.  I don't know why, but I am having such a hard time just having this birthday party.  It feels so unfair that I get to celebrate - and again, I know that's not what you would want, but the feeling just lingers there.  And, Kingston is a baby and he isn't going to know we did his first birthday really late...but, I just feel like I can't move forward with it and I just wanted you to know.   I want you to know that because of Brynna I did things differently with Kingston.  I held him more, he stayed in our room much longer than the other boys did, Kingston rarely cries longer than 30 seconds because if I can't get to him one of his brothers does, I tried very hard not to complain about those middle of the night feedings and dirty diapers, I stopped our life in ways I had never done with the other boys and I soaked in this baby as much I could.  He might be spoiled because of all of that but he also might just be a really loved and doted on baby...and I'm completely okay with that.

I really don't know where you're at spiritually and what you believe about God.  All I know is that you were raised Catholic and I think I saw you were going to a MOPS group.  (eh, facebook stalking maybe?)  So, I'm going out on a limb here as I share the following:

I hope this doesn't sound trite or thoughtless, but your loss has encouraged us to embrace what we have in a way that we never have before.  My two biggest prayers for you this year have been this:  That you would process the anger, that if you're mad at God that you would tell Him, that you would lay it all on Him, that you would pound your fists on His chest and tell Him how unfair this is and how much you hurt.  And that in all of the anger and release that God would show Himself to you in a new way, that you would hear how He calls you by name and loves you like His own child.  That you would be given a new day with hope and that your new life redefines what hope used to mean to you.  I pray, my sweet friend, that as you process all of these emotions that your heart would soon be relieved, not that you would forget, I know that you will NEVER forget.  That, when the time is right, you will be able to move forward with peace - and a peace that doesn't even make sense to you.

5/28/2013 - I wrote that over 6 months ago and when I finished it, I didn't feel right about sharing it yet. I don't know why, but I just felt like it was the wrong time. We never did celebrate his first birthday. (Shhh - don't tell him that.) I still look back at that first year as something that has forever changed me. Your girl, your experience, it changed me. I know that we have been apart for so long but something about this has just bound my heart to you and your family. So, it's there, bound to yours whether you want it or not. I just want you to know that I love you, I hurt for you, I tell your story, I share a picture of your sweet baby girl and I pray for your sweet family. You are so very loved. You all are. I hope we can see each other soon so I can give you a big huge hug.

With hope,
Colleen

Playing catch up

I've been such a terrible blogger lately - but I'm hoping to get a little caught up and then do some steadier posting!  So, here are some of the things we've been up to the last couple months:

We found the pool on the left at a yard sale this summer for $5!  Hands down, the best $5 we spent all summer.  We spent a lot of time in the backyard with the older 4 cooling off in this little pool and learning some great swimming skills!  Phoenix had a much harder time keeping his head above the water in that pool so we set out to find him something smaller and somewhat durable, so we found the little turtle pool  (actually I think it's a sandbox) at another yard sale for another $5!  He had so much fun in this - we have video of him running and jumping into it! He loved having it all to himself. The last picture on the right is our back patio.  This house has a covered patio that runs almost the full length of the house!  I had a lot of fun setting up a little living space out here with some extra furniture we weren't using inside.  We found the little outdoor fireplace on Craigslist for $15 too! What this city lacks in decent thrift stores, it makes up for in yard sales!  My goodness, there's a lot of yard sales around here!

We ate at Costco more times than I care to admit.

                                                                      because of that fun pool we found, we spent a lot
                                                                      of time wearing goggles...a lot.

                                                                              We went on a church camp out to Boardman, OR. 
                                                                        We played in the Columbia River, rode scooters,
                                                                     and played chess with a wise G'pa from our church
                                                                     with a gift for teaching! 

I found a few projects to work on - like this one - which still needs some tweaking - but is a nice alternative to a plastic water or iced coffee mug! 

We played (oh so carefully) with friends down at the Columbia river.  Swimming, digging in the dirt and looking for fish to catch!  We found a sweet spot by the boat launch..trust me, it's safer than it sounds. 

We celebrated Titus turning 4 and Phoenix turning 2!  Phoenix also really enjoyed the discovery of worms...or did he enjoy it?  I can't tell for sure from this picture.

We found an orchard in Yakima and picked blueberries, apples and pears and promptly ate all three (55lbs worth) within a week and a half of getting them home! 

Hewitt and I spent some time at Swedish hospital in Seattle doing some diagnostic testing for his epilepsy.  He did an admirable job of hanging out in bed for 36 hours...especially for a 6 year old!

We rejoiced (okay, *I*, rejoiced) in all the non homeschooled kids going back to school so we could play at our favorite park again without running the risk of losing a member of our family in the mob of children that play there in the summer.  These 5 look thrilled to pose for me don't they?

Having (real) espresso with a former student in Seattle.  (Love you and miss you Leslie)

Painted Hewitt and Titus' room and we're slowly working on finishing the details.  One of the fun projects I did was recovering this lampshade in yellow yarn!  I really love how it turned out and love the yellow with the color of the walls!

A gracious friend shared a huge bounty of basil with us and the night before going into the hospital Hayden and I put up all this pesto in the freezer!  Yay for a stock of pesto.  I used it in a pasta dish 2 nights ago and the boys said it was "THE BEST PASTA I'VE EVER MADE."  They also didn't eat their lunches that day because the broccoli cheddar soup I made was NOT the best soup I had ever made and they were particularly hungrier than usual.  But, we'll go with "THE BEST PASTA" anyway.  Every mom loves to hear those kinds of compliments on dinner!

And, here we are, the last pic of "just" the 7 of us before Hayden and I headed into the hospital to meet the new little one!

And many hours later - we have some proud big brothers.

A beautiful thing happened when the boys got to the hospital to meet him.  He had been pretty fussy since birth - about 2 hours.  He just couldn't get settled for some reason.  As soon as they came in and started making all the noise that 5 boys make, Kingston settled right down.  He knew.  It was familiar.  I loved it!  It was such a sweet moment and a story I suspect I will be telling for years to come! 

                                                                

What we have been up to

Kingston Magnus LeRoy

10.15.2011

7lbs.11oz. 20.5 inches