new mornings

So much has been going on, I can't believe I haven't posted in two weeks!  BAD blogger!  Wow. 

We had a lovely Christmas.  The boys and I had about a week and a half before Christmas of creating crafts and decorations for the house, gifts, reading through the advent calendar and just hanging out and enjoying the break from school.  This has been a fantastic time of renewal and refreshment for me and I'm (almost) ready to jump back into school on Tuesday.  Most of my family was able to make it and we gathered at OUR house for the first time in Fraser family history!  As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time we didn't celebrate Christmas at my parent's house.  It was such a blessing to be able to host my family here, I loved every minute of it!

After Christmas, we had an annual youth trip from the 29-31st, down in central Oregon.  We met with several churches in the Northwest and had up over 450 students.  We meet at the Young Life camp in Antelope called Anderson Family Ranch.  It's a beautiful camp, with a fascinating history (I'll share sometime, but I'm sure you could google it if you can't wait!) I haven't been able to go for the last couple years, so when I was able to get my childcare covered, I was ecstatic!  Since moving to Richland, it has been hard for me to transition into the Jr. high and high school ministry with Hayden.  This was a great way for me to be in the picture and get to know some of the girls better.  I say this again and will say it as long as we're in youth ministry: it is a humbling privilege to be a part of these student's lives.  I have been praying for the opportunity to join the team for youth group on Tuesday nights and I think God just provided the childcare we had been wanting!

As I look ahead to this coming week and starting school back up, I do so with a full heart.  I love the opportunity a new year brings.  I have a few "resolutions" bouncing through my mind and haven't decided yet which to settle on.  I do think a book list of what I'll be reading in 2011 is in order though.  That will be an upcoming post as well.

This year, while teaching my kids the calendar, God impressed something upon my heart in a new way. I had been having an especially hard day and just longed for it to be over.  It was then I had this little epiphany, and God has continued to bless me with it:

Even in the small detail of our daily existence, the calendar, God knows our needs.  He knew that we would have painful, unsuccessful, depressing, frustrating, mundane days.  When He created the sun and the moon and the day and the night, He knew how much of a gift a new morning could be.  He knew that we would organize our lives around this "calendar."  He knew we would make New Year resolutions and have great success and yet also fail miserably year after year.  Because God is a God of second, third, fourth.... innumerable chances.  He doesn't need a new day to set things right, but He knew what kind of significance it could have for our hearts.  Can you imagine if life was one long day?  Ugh.  I hate to imagine that.  I praise God for His provision for our hearts, His provision for our minds and for loving us through every detail of our existence!

Happy New Year!

The American Ideal

In church, we've been learning through the book of Mark. This week we were in Mark 10:35-45. It's this passage where two of the disciples come to Jesus and ask if they can sit as his left and right hand in heaven. I missed the message yesterday because I was in the nursery, but we have small groups Sunday night to talk about the message. As we reviewed the passage and our responses to it, God impressed something new upon my heart. Typically when I read this passage, I think about how arrogant the disciples were to think they would get to sit on Jesus' right and left side. Why would they think such a thing, and then be stupid enough to verbalize it? Reading through the text again, Christ makes a reference to the rulers of their time. He points out that those that rule over the gentiles lord it over them and the high officials exercise authority over them.

As we discussed the passage we all automatically criticized the disciples. But, I couldn't help but think that they were somewhat justified in asking what they did. They gave up a lot to follow Christ. They left their families and jobs. They dedicated their lives to following Him and teaching others about Him. They believed He was God's Son and I'm sure from their perspective they thought they were pretty fortunate to be a part of this "inner circle" with God's Son. In their time I think this would've been the natural progression for someone in their position. They loved Christ and wanted to be by His side. The next thing that God laid upon my heart here was this...they expected something like this because of what they were used to seeing. I can't help but think about us, in America. We have this American ideal that our lives are measured by. When part of our lives doesn't line up with the American ideal we feel like something is off. The funny thing is that for the majority of the world there is no "American ideal," there is survival, and so many of the things we (Americans) care and worry about would fall away if our basic needs weren't being met (including the luxury of safety). Two of the areas I was really convicted in were: Hewitt (the obvious one) Having a sick child does not line up with the American ideal. Homeschooling was the other one. I have so many great memories from childhood that stem from traditions or "normal" American things to do. This was one of them. At the beginning of the school year I was really struggling with not sending my kids off and letting them have that experience of going to school. I have had to remind myself that God laid this on my heart for a reason. That homeschooling fits our lives and our children better this year, and that's okay.

I could probably think of a hundred things in my life that I measure by the "American ideal" and not by the Bible or the fact that God created me as an individual person and an individual path apart from the expectations my culture puts on me. I love that Jesus doesn't rebuke the disciples in this passage when they ask. He points out to them that they are going to be different kinds of leaders. That they are going to be counter cultural. He says, "whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." This is so beautiful. Christ was so radical in His time. The secret rebel in me loves these passages that point out how radical He was. He was telling the disciples to go against their culture and serve people, not to put themselves first. I think today this is still counter cultural. I guess I will be asking myself this week, by what will I measure my life and my experiences by? It's funny, it actually seems easier to not measure it by the American ideal right now because there are a lot of things in my life that don't measure up!

My Infinite God

Two weeks ago at church a couple friends of mine sang "Great is thy Faithfulness" inspired by another mom at our church who just found out she has cancer and just started all of the chemo and process of fighting it. I found it slightly ironic it was the song my friend, Sarah picked. When all of this started with Hewitt I stopped sitting downstairs with Hayden and the boys and started sitting in the balcony by myself to be closer to the nursery. (I didn't want to be more than a few steps away if something happened). It was kind of like a safety net, but it was also a place for me to have it out with God every week as I tried to sing worship songs to Him, but I was so hurt and angry, half the time I just cried. This song, in particular, I couldn't get out.

The words:
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

I didn't feel like God had compassion on us, I felt hurt, helpless and alone and I couldn't see beyond my today. I certainly didn't feel like I had strength for the day or hope for tomorrow - I just wanted to turn the clock back and for all of this nightmare to go away. I wasn't looking at it from an eternal perspective. I wasn't trying to see God's purpose in it, I didn't even care. I just wanted it to stop.

I sat downstairs and sang this song 2 weeks ago and I sang it with all my heart to God. And, although I can't say now that I understand why God let this happen to Hewitt, and I probably never will. I can say that I am learning things about God that I thought I already knew. I always knew God was bigger than me. I didn't always process the fact that in that bigness, He is going to do things that I don't understand. I have missed that the way I process things in my finite mind doesn't compare to how His infinite mind works. So, while I process this experience with human understanding, God sees it with God understanding. Something I will never see while I'm on this earth. So, instead of trying to understand why it's all happening, I am resting in the promise that God does have a plan for my life and a plan for Hewitt's and that plan is better than mine!

and Hewitt has been seizure free for the last 2 days again.

Epsilepsy

The last few days Hewitt's interaction has been so encouraging. I think I had forgotten so many of the things he was doing before the seizures hit. He's been saying some funny things. I think one of the cutest comes when we're reminding him to put his helmet on or sit where the blanket is at the table. He says in a very matter-of-fact, (and assuring at the same time) voice - "I have to wear my helmet because I have epsilepsy and I might fall and hit my head." or " I need to have this blanket here because I have epsilepsy and I hit my head sometimes." I love the EPSILEPSY. It's so funny...we can't even correct him, because it's amazing that he is even trying to explain it to us. He's been so bright, talkative, imaginative and fun this last week. We have been praising God for this change.

Settling In

After these last 3 weeks of intense seizures - mostly drops, I feel like we're starting to settle in to some kind of pattern or normalcy or something. I don't even know what to call it. I don't think I'll ever get used to watching my child randomly space out, fall down, throw things, etc.. I want to fight for him to stop having seizures and stop having side effects from medicine. But, I am no longer crying every day as I watch him. I am no longer letting myself fast forward 2 years to when he'll be starting kindergarten. What I am getting used to is how I need to respond to his seizures and side effects. I know now he needs someone to hold his hand when he is walking around on a hard surface, he needs to wear his helmet on hard surfaces, he has to be harnessed when he's eating at the table, he can't be in a bath without someone within arm's reach, running isn't the same for him. He's very wobbly and can't go as fast as he used to without falling. I can look at him and see what has changed. I can look at those things as temporary effects to what he's enduring everyday. I have to hope that he will get past this. I realize now that for his sake, for his care, for his future...I have to suck it up, stop freaking out and be strong for him. He is 3, there is no one else that can do this for him. And, although I am writing this right now, it doesn't mean that I will be strong everyday. I know I will get distracted by the pain and unfairness of it all and I will get caught up in the unknowns of tomorrow. I will grieve the childhood I dreamt for him. I will feel sorry for myself for having to do this day after day. I know it will happen. Maybe that's a really poor way to look at all of this. But, I would like to think that God is going to change me over a matter of time not, necessarily overnight. He has started already by letting me see where I am weak. I am thankful for that. I feel as though He is lifting my head and helping me to see the positives I couldn't before. (Well, sometimes I could see them, but they didn't seem to outweigh the negatives and so I didn't really care that they existed.) We are no longer frozen in fear and sadness, we are moving forward and we have a great leader.

"Special Needs"

I have been having a hard time with this term. "Special Needs" When this all began I went through a time of grieving Hewitt's future. There are a lot of unknowns with Doose syndrome. Many kids have severe developmental delays because of it. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept. Much like the first week when I finally had to face God about letting go of his life. This has been my second "letting go" of Hewitt. He was born perfectly healthy. He lived almost 3 years perfectly healthy. Not just healthy, but smart and witty and feisty and fun. He is unlike my other children. I adore them all the same, but Hewitt is different. He is his own man.

As one Dr. put it, it's like he's been struck with lightning. I know I've posted that before, but it's so true. I was reflecting on this "letting go" yesterday and all the feelings of sorrow came rushing back. When the nurse came and she was telling us the things he qualified for she used words like: developmentally delayed, special needs, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. She talked about the special programs at Shoreline here and all I could think about was him sitting in a classroom with all these developmentally delayed children in his little blue helmet, looking delayed but feeling lost. I can't think about it without crying. He shouldn't be there and even now it's hard for me to let this go. There's nothing wrong with those children, but when you have a healthy child who's mind and body are strong, it's hard to imagine how he might feel being surrounded by children who's minds and bodies aren't as strong.

When I was walking through this in the beginning I was terrified. I mean absolutely terrified of the idea of losing him...not physically, but his mind. I cried about it all the time. Of watching my little boy turn into something else, all our future dreams of love and life were suddenly stripped away. It seemed so unfair, so impossible. I carried this guilt because I honestly felt, and I didn't want to say it out loud, that it would be harder to deal with that than with actually losing him. I know that sounds so bad, but that is where I was at. I wish I could say that I had an amazing revelation that changed my perspective, but I didn't. Like before, I am resting in simple things. The fact that God knows and calls me by name. The fact that He loves Hewitt more than I do and He knows the hurt I feel for my son. The fact that this life is a vapor and the pain of today will be gone in heaven.

I am trying to accept the changes now. He has small bits of regression, largely medicine related in my opinion. I have met enough people that have positive outcomes that I no longer focus on this aspect of the syndrome. But, every once in a while like yesterday, it comes back to the surface and I have to deal with it again. Acknowledging that God is in control is the most comforting thing I can do. Hayden reminded me of something very simple but profound in the midst of all of this. God is always right. He is always right. He doesn't make mistakes, which means that He allowed this to happen to Hewitt and it wasn't a mistake. Right now I'm not sure what that means for Hewitt, but I know that He is teaching me a lot through it.

more frustration

Today, watching Hewitt I had a sickening revelation. We give him these meds to stop the seizures. The seizures that might delay his development. The seizures that might cause him to fall multiple times a day. The seizures that keep him from interacting. We started Hewitt on his first med after his 3rd tonic-clonic seizure. He didn't start having all of these other types until after. Now, as Doose syndrome onsets it can take time to see all of the different seizure types. But, there are definitely some meds that aggravate seizures for some kids. Watching him for the last 2 weeks, functioning at half of his usual self I can't help but wonder what would happen if we take him off of it. Before this happened I was hesitant to give my children much of any med unless totally necessary. Titus was my first to ever have an antibiotic. To this day, the other boys have never been on one. And, we get thrown into epilepsy and I suddenly am okay with just pumping my kid up with all these medications in the hope that they're going to stop the scariness of the unknown. Meanwhile I have suddenly lost my concern for the unknown of all of the drugs my kid is on. I can't tell if he's all doped up because he's having so many seizures or because he's on so many meds. I don't know if his seizures are actually from the epilepsy or if they're aggravated by the meds. I feel as though I don't know much of anything about WHY this has happened and I have been okay with that. I feel so angry that the Dr.'s won't look beyond the obvious for a why this is happening. We do that for every other thing that happens. But, unless it's something obvious with epilepsy we just say the cause is unknown. I know it's not as simple as that. The brain is very complicated and there is a lot unknown about it. But, we do know a lot about the rest of our bodies. And why wouldn't they look for something else that might be triggering his brian to do this? All day today I just couldn't help but think how ridiculous it is that he is so out of it and still having seizures and it hardly seems worth it to use meds if he's just going to be out of it all the time anyway.

I HATE THAT THERE IS NO RHYME OR REASON TO THIS ALL. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. There is no limit to the amount of times I can say that to make me feel better about it. I still can't believe this is our life sometimes. That I look at him. He's so stinkin cute. And, he stares off and he drools and he drops and he throws his arms and I just sit here wondering where my kid went and for the first time I am asking why God has let this happen to us. And, even though I know there is an answer to that question - it doesn't always make it hurt less. I know He wants to carry this burden for me, but I have to be willing to give it to Him first. And, every time I think I've given it over I find some way to take it back. I find it in my tears, in my anger, in my frustration, in the meds that don't work, in the bruises on his face, in the stupid ridiculous blue foam helmet I have to put on his little head. I keep thinking I've handed it over and every time it starts to hurt I take it back. I feel like Paul in Romans 7 - ...for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing.....What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - Through Jesus Christ our Lord." vs 18,19,24

A New Kind of Normal

A very kind friend of mine just recently gave me this book. She heard the author at a women's
retreat and thought of our situation. It has been a good book for me to read
right now. Hard at times, because I am not ready to face some of the
struggles I'm dealing with. But, I just want to share a couple quotes from it:

"When I desperately want relief from unrelenting reality... I choose perseverance."


She could not have said it better. I find myself wanting to avoid the reality of our new life so often. It is in many little ways all day long. The fact is: This situation is hard for many reasons. ALL of which I am very aware of. ALL of which God is EVEN MORE AWARE OF. I am being challenged now to persevere through this.

One more quote:

"How do we get to the morning, to the sunshine, to the joy?

There is only one way. By waiting for it.

We can't hurry the dawn,

no matter how anxiously we pace the floor

or how impatiently we watch the clock.

And so the question is not, do we wait

or not wait, because waiting is all we can do.

The question is, How will we wait?

Will we wait well....or will we wait poorly?"

Ken Gire

So, while I still struggle with hope for the day, I can cling to something. I can lay something at God's feet. I can persevere. I am meditating on this scripture right now:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

Romans 5:1-5

It seems as though there is hope in my future.

Walking through the what if's

After our first week of seizures I was staying up almost all night every night to watch Hewitt. We had moved him into our bedroom and had a bed for him right next to ours. Throughout the night I would lay on my side and just watch him sleep. I couldn't turn over, it was wierd. We didn't know what to expect and I had been reading way too much online. I had read about SUDEP - sudden unexplained death in epileptic people. When I did fall asleep I would wake up in terror that I had missed something or that I might find brain dead from seizing too long. These nights were so hard, but I had this adrenaline that I'd never had before and sleeping did not seem worth losing my child's life over.

Every night before we went to sleep Hayden would pray and ask God to give us ears to hear. Every night I let him pray and I listened and echoed the prayer in my own mind, all the while struggling with something. Finally, after about a week I was exhausted. I laid in bed one night watching him and I couldn't stop crying. I had a conversation with God that I don't think I will ever forget. I asked Him to give me ears to hear if something was happening. His response was "What if I don't?" I wasn't expecting that response, but had been avoiding Him since it all begun because I knew it meant dealing with some hard things. He asked me again. "What if I don't? Does that change who I am? Does it change what you will think of me, or if you believe in me? " and then He said, ever so gently, "Colleen, trust me." Of all of the things in that phrase, what I heard was Him saying my name. At that moment I was so comforted by the fact that I believe in a God that calls me by my name. He not only knows my name, but He calls me by it. He knows my hurt, He lost a Son. And, here I was only living in fear of losing one. I finally let myself walk through my worst case scenario: Hewitt dying. I had to come to realize that Hewitt would be with God. I had to let myself just accept the idea of letting him go to be with God. I had to accept that God loves this child more than I do and that ultimately Hewitt would be much happier in heaven than he will ever be on earth. So, I did it. I let him go, I wept for a long time and then I kept this conversation with God to myself for a while. It felt so sacred, so special I almost didn't want to say it out loud. Eventually though He prompted me to share. First with Hayden, and then with others. A few weeks later I had to walk through a similar situation with another aspect of Hewitt's life. I will post about that later. But, I just want to say this is quite the process of refinement. I thought I had to let my kids go many times before. The first time you leave them with a babysitter, the first time we went on an overnight date, a weekend away, etc...those experiences were all little baby steps to this one big act of letting go. I don't think this will be the last time.

epiphany

I feel somewhat sheepish having this epiphany today...but that's okay. As I've struggle through this whole mess of hope and wanting it...I have been asking myself if "hope" is actually what I'm struggling with. If I am focusing on the wrong thing, like maybe I should be content in my circumstances no matter what they look like and let God take it from there...I realized today though I have just had a distorted definition of what hope is for this situation. I have been imagining hope to be having a good attitude about the seizure free days and hoping that he will get there. So, if I could shift my thinking a little...I will always desire to have seizure freedom, but right now I know it's very questionable as to whether that will happen anytime soon, just from the knowledge we have on this syndrome. My "hope" needs to just be resting that God is in control of everyday. I don't have to have this positive outlook that maybe tomorrow he will go into spontaneous remission or that the meds will start working. And, those are absolute possibilities. But, I need to just continue to lay this at His feet and say - You are in control of everyday no matter what it looks like - and that's all I need right now.

Idols

As I look back over the last entry, I still can't read it without crying because it is so fresh. God has been doing a work in me though and I feel like I am starting to get a glimpse of what He is speaking to my heart.

We have been learning and teaching about faithfulness at youth group for a few weeks now. Last night we talked about unfaithfulness, we read in Exodus 32 about how the Israelites fashioned an idol after Moses had been gone for so long because they wanted a god to lead them. As I read this passage I was caught between two things. The first and obvious was the audacity of these people to not credit God for bringing them out of Egypt and so quickly turning their backs on him because they were impatiently waiting for their leader. It is easy for me to look at this and think - "You idiots! Do you not see? Do you not get it?" On the other hand, I saw something new. God created us for relationship. He created these people to worship and have relationship with Him. While there is no excuse for their blatant unfaithfulness I feel like I can relate to their desire to have a leader, to have SOMETHING to cling to as they start down this new and unknown path. I was amazed at the correlations of this passage and my own life as we walk down this new path with Hewitt. I think a lot of people that are facing a new trial could relate. I have had people tell me that they are amazed at how strong I have been through all of this. Sometimes it is easier to be strong when the affliction is so great. Not that I am being strong of my own power. But, it is easy to turn to God and let Him take control when it's obvious to you, you are no longer in control.

Now, for me, it is in the waiting that is harder. It seems ridiculous if I step back and look at the situation. I should be thankful and joyful in the reprieve from seizure activity, but I'm not. Much like I think the Israelites were being ridiculous in their actions. When you are in the moment, caught in a day when there is no end or hope in sight, it is easy to turn inward and look for something else. My idol has been this pursuit of hope. I have not been seeking hope out of faithfulness, but to ease my own miserable heart and mind. My desire for hope in my day to day living is so strong and yet I can't even see what that hope is supposed to look like anymore. I am so blinded by this idol I have fashioned for myself. Somewhere in my mind I have told myself that I deserve to have hope, that I deserve to see what God is doing RIGHT NOW, today! I scoff at people that "throw" verses at me. I don't think this life is an equation that we can just plug a passage into and make things better. I believe this desire comes from God...just like the Israelites He created me for relationship. He created me to pursue Him, worship Him and love Him. Sadly, I have been missing it. I have been missing the blessing of encouragement out of my desire to have authenticity. What I should be doing is taking those verses and meditating on them, letting them penetrate my heart and soul and letting God do the work, not me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed when God shows me the selfishness of my own heart. From overhwelmed I move to humbled that He would love me and then amazed that He would give His own Son, for a heart like mine. It doesn't make sense. Much like this entry might not make sense. I have been processing a lot this last week, so if this is disjointed, I apologize. God has been working in my heart all week, trying to open my eyes to see that I don't have to have answers. Amen to that.

Hope for today

I don't really want to write this, because it means I have to acknowledge the fact that Hewitt wasn't healed for the last 8 days, that he is still battling this ugly beast. We had the wonderful opportunity of going on a double date last night. My Dad watched ALL of the boys by himself. (Good job Dad! You've still got it, and they had a blast) On our way home he gave us a call to let us know Hewitt had a couple seizures while we were gone. We were literally mid-laughter having a FANTASTIC time when he called. We're glad he did, but amazed at how quickly it came to a screeching halt. Hew had a drop while they were playing and cut his lip and then after he was in bed had a short tonic seizure (similar to grand mal/tonic clonic). When he comes out of these he is very cranky and my Dad only called because he couldn't console him. He cried as we headed home and stopped right before we got there. He continued having different seizures throughout the night. We had him sleep with us and he was doing some strange things...not sure what to think about the different movement. We are going to give it another day and then ask the neuro about it.

I have been feeling strange all week about this. It felt like with this break from the seizures we were thrown out of it just as quickly as we were thrown into it all. I have wondered how I will react if they start back up. If I am going to have to walk down the same paths of releasing my child to God, over and over. I have struggled with feeling like I should be hopeful that we had 8 days without anything, but with it, a lingering fear that they will be back anytime. Everyone tells me I need to have hope. Of course I have hope...but, it's looking more like this: I have hope for eternity, I know this life is but a vapor and these things don't matter. I know that Christ loves me and Hewitt and desires for us to know Him and that this experience is most likely one of the ways He is going to do that. I have hope that I will spend eternity with Him. But, for now. I can't figure out how to translate that hope into today...or tomorrow for that matter or why I need to even bother. I want to hold on to my cynicism because it hurts much less when things don't go like I have hoped they would. I realize this is an ugly thing in my heart that I need to have refined. But, for now, this is where God has me and I need Him to draw me forward out of it all.

And, so far, Hewitt has been without seizures all day...maybe last night was a fluke thing. Not sure.

How this affects our whole family

Last night we were getting all of the boys in bed and when it came time for Lincoln to give Hewitt a kiss goodnight, he absolutely refused. He refused to the point he got in trouble for it! He and I had a discussion about the situation and it ended up being a great time where he opened up to me about how he's been feeling. It was relieving and heartbreaking all at the same time. He told me he didn't want to kiss Hewitt because he wasn't a "normal" brother. Becaue he has seizures. When he first said this I was so upset, felt so defensive of Hewitt, but God was near and calmed my heart a little bit. I let Lincoln talk. I don't think he quite knew how to describe how he felt about it. He knew he wasn't scared or embarassed. He kept saying he just didn't like Hewitt because he has seizures. I tried to explain to him how this is an unfair reason not to like someone. I gave him an example of him breaking his arm, and what if Everett didn't like him anymore because he had a broken arm....he saw my point. I could think of other reasons for him to not like Hewitt from a big brother perspective. Like that Hewitt hits him, takes his toys, breaks things, gives me a hard time (Lincoln is very protective of me) things like that. Pesky little brother things. But, just based on the seizures? So, we talked about how important it is that we love and protect one another in our family. Even our little brother who has seizures, ESPECIALLY our little brother who has seizures. We prayed that God would grow his heart with love for Hewitt. He also said he doesn't like it because he talks to him and he just stares off and doesn't answer him, and that he's just keeps thinking he's going to have another seizure. This really hit me hard. I think about that all the time but I had never stopped to think that Lincoln, at 6, would be worrying about another one coming. He's been here since day one though, seeing all of them. I am praying that God will use this in his heart. I was encouraged to see that he was stronger emotionally than I realized. I read today it is normal for siblings of kids with epilepsy to feel guilty for feeling the way they do. They see that their parents are stressed out and they don't want to give them anything else to worry about. I think I am going to look for a local support group or family with a similar situation. I think it would be good for him, and eventually Everett to talk to other kids about being a sibling dealing with this. I hope that it will build their character in a way it wouldn't have been strengthened otherwise.