Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Infinite God

Two weeks ago at church a couple friends of mine sang "Great is thy Faithfulness" inspired by another mom at our church who just found out she has cancer and just started all of the chemo and process of fighting it. I found it slightly ironic it was the song my friend, Sarah picked. When all of this started with Hewitt I stopped sitting downstairs with Hayden and the boys and started sitting in the balcony by myself to be closer to the nursery. (I didn't want to be more than a few steps away if something happened). It was kind of like a safety net, but it was also a place for me to have it out with God every week as I tried to sing worship songs to Him, but I was so hurt and angry, half the time I just cried. This song, in particular, I couldn't get out.

The words:
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

I didn't feel like God had compassion on us, I felt hurt, helpless and alone and I couldn't see beyond my today. I certainly didn't feel like I had strength for the day or hope for tomorrow - I just wanted to turn the clock back and for all of this nightmare to go away. I wasn't looking at it from an eternal perspective. I wasn't trying to see God's purpose in it, I didn't even care. I just wanted it to stop.

I sat downstairs and sang this song 2 weeks ago and I sang it with all my heart to God. And, although I can't say now that I understand why God let this happen to Hewitt, and I probably never will. I can say that I am learning things about God that I thought I already knew. I always knew God was bigger than me. I didn't always process the fact that in that bigness, He is going to do things that I don't understand. I have missed that the way I process things in my finite mind doesn't compare to how His infinite mind works. So, while I process this experience with human understanding, God sees it with God understanding. Something I will never see while I'm on this earth. So, instead of trying to understand why it's all happening, I am resting in the promise that God does have a plan for my life and a plan for Hewitt's and that plan is better than mine!

and Hewitt has been seizure free for the last 2 days again.

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