letting go

There was a lot of speculation as to whether or not baby #6 would be a girl and whether or not I wanted him/her to be a girl. A LOT. Obviously when you have so many boys already there is part of you that has just resigned yourself to accepting your life as the only female in your household. I pretty much did that around boy #3. At that point, we didn't know how many children we were having. We have always said we would take it one at a time and go from there. I'm sometimes surprised we didn't stop with #3 considering the challenges he brought and how COMPLETELY different he was from his very chill older brothers. But, with those challenges came a uniqueness that I cannot imagine our lives without.

So, for the many of you that have asked, and some that haven't. YES, I was bummed it wasn't a girl. When the sonographer said it was in fact another a boy I was stunned, and for about 10 minutes, I held the tears in. Then I thought of Everett, my sweet little nurturer and how sad he would be when he finds out it's another brother. I felt sad for him. I felt sad for all of the boys that they would miss the opportunity of having a sister. I just kept saying "really?" "Is it really?" Is that really possible?" For the first half of this pregnancy I've been saying with my mouth "it's going to be a boy, of course it is" while in my heart hoping and longing for a girl. I want to buy girl clothes. I want to do something remotely feminine with SOMEONE'S room and while that is all good and fun, those aren't exactly soulful reasons to want a girl. I am always thankful when we find out that the baby is healthy and there aren't any complications - I certainly don't want to minimize the tremendous blessing of a healthy baby! God has been working on my heart though and I am always amazed at His timing. I had the opportunity to see an old friend last week and I was humbly reminded of the simple fact that I am fertile and there are so many people that aren't. I have had 6 healthy pregnancies and that is an amazing and beautiful thing. There will always be a part of me that wonders what a little girl from us would've looked like, sounded like, all of those traits that encompass that. But, at this point, I'm excited for what IS and thankful for my sweet little (or not so little, depending on your perspective) family!

*****And for those of you that might be skeptical like me, it wasn't the umbilical cord. As you can see in the pics it is VERY clearly defined. So, I am so thankful for ultrasounds and for the opportunity to prepare myself for the arrival of another boy! There is something fun and unique about having all of one gender. I look forward to meeting this new little one!