A Letter to Laura

{Originally written October 2012}

My sweet friend,

I wish I knew the exact number of times that you've come to mind this last year.  I would like to think that it would encourage you somehow.  To know that you are thought of, loved and prayed for so often. If you could hear and see how many people have thought, prayed and cried for you as you've walked this journey over the last year. How we have watched, some up close and many from afar, your hearts be broken in a way unimaginable to most parents.  I think back to October of last year.  I don't know if you realize this or if I ever told you, but Kingston was born on October 15th - Brynna's due date.  I can't type that without crying. I know that you would never want me to feel guilty for not losing my baby, but so often, I look at him and I think of her and your family and all of the wonderful things of having a new baby in the house, and how unfair it is that you aren't holding her right now. I think they call it survivor guilt?   I think about that Sunday morning, sitting in the nursery with him, I felt a tug on my heart to pray for you.  I didn't know why at the time, but God was asking me to pray without knowing why.  I think I messaged you on Facebook to tell you that He had put you on my heart.  Little did we know what was about to happen.

Hayden and I went on a trip this month and we arrived home on the 15th.  I felt bad that we missed most of Kingston's first birthday, but figured we could just celebrate when we got home that weekend.  Well, the supplies are bought, it's now 2 weeks past his first birthday and we still haven't done a party for him.  I keep thinking about you and your remembering Brynna's birthday.  I think about how I want to do something to honor her, to honor all of you.  I don't know why, but I am having such a hard time just having this birthday party.  It feels so unfair that I get to celebrate - and again, I know that's not what you would want, but the feeling just lingers there.  And, Kingston is a baby and he isn't going to know we did his first birthday really late...but, I just feel like I can't move forward with it and I just wanted you to know.   I want you to know that because of Brynna I did things differently with Kingston.  I held him more, he stayed in our room much longer than the other boys did, Kingston rarely cries longer than 30 seconds because if I can't get to him one of his brothers does, I tried very hard not to complain about those middle of the night feedings and dirty diapers, I stopped our life in ways I had never done with the other boys and I soaked in this baby as much I could.  He might be spoiled because of all of that but he also might just be a really loved and doted on baby...and I'm completely okay with that.

I really don't know where you're at spiritually and what you believe about God.  All I know is that you were raised Catholic and I think I saw you were going to a MOPS group.  (eh, facebook stalking maybe?)  So, I'm going out on a limb here as I share the following:

I hope this doesn't sound trite or thoughtless, but your loss has encouraged us to embrace what we have in a way that we never have before.  My two biggest prayers for you this year have been this:  That you would process the anger, that if you're mad at God that you would tell Him, that you would lay it all on Him, that you would pound your fists on His chest and tell Him how unfair this is and how much you hurt.  And that in all of the anger and release that God would show Himself to you in a new way, that you would hear how He calls you by name and loves you like His own child.  That you would be given a new day with hope and that your new life redefines what hope used to mean to you.  I pray, my sweet friend, that as you process all of these emotions that your heart would soon be relieved, not that you would forget, I know that you will NEVER forget.  That, when the time is right, you will be able to move forward with peace - and a peace that doesn't even make sense to you.

5/28/2013 - I wrote that over 6 months ago and when I finished it, I didn't feel right about sharing it yet. I don't know why, but I just felt like it was the wrong time. We never did celebrate his first birthday. (Shhh - don't tell him that.) I still look back at that first year as something that has forever changed me. Your girl, your experience, it changed me. I know that we have been apart for so long but something about this has just bound my heart to you and your family. So, it's there, bound to yours whether you want it or not. I just want you to know that I love you, I hurt for you, I tell your story, I share a picture of your sweet baby girl and I pray for your sweet family. You are so very loved. You all are. I hope we can see each other soon so I can give you a big huge hug.

With hope,
Colleen