Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hope for today

I don't really want to write this, because it means I have to acknowledge the fact that Hewitt wasn't healed for the last 8 days, that he is still battling this ugly beast. We had the wonderful opportunity of going on a double date last night. My Dad watched ALL of the boys by himself. (Good job Dad! You've still got it, and they had a blast) On our way home he gave us a call to let us know Hewitt had a couple seizures while we were gone. We were literally mid-laughter having a FANTASTIC time when he called. We're glad he did, but amazed at how quickly it came to a screeching halt. Hew had a drop while they were playing and cut his lip and then after he was in bed had a short tonic seizure (similar to grand mal/tonic clonic). When he comes out of these he is very cranky and my Dad only called because he couldn't console him. He cried as we headed home and stopped right before we got there. He continued having different seizures throughout the night. We had him sleep with us and he was doing some strange things...not sure what to think about the different movement. We are going to give it another day and then ask the neuro about it.

I have been feeling strange all week about this. It felt like with this break from the seizures we were thrown out of it just as quickly as we were thrown into it all. I have wondered how I will react if they start back up. If I am going to have to walk down the same paths of releasing my child to God, over and over. I have struggled with feeling like I should be hopeful that we had 8 days without anything, but with it, a lingering fear that they will be back anytime. Everyone tells me I need to have hope. Of course I have hope...but, it's looking more like this: I have hope for eternity, I know this life is but a vapor and these things don't matter. I know that Christ loves me and Hewitt and desires for us to know Him and that this experience is most likely one of the ways He is going to do that. I have hope that I will spend eternity with Him. But, for now. I can't figure out how to translate that hope into today...or tomorrow for that matter or why I need to even bother. I want to hold on to my cynicism because it hurts much less when things don't go like I have hoped they would. I realize this is an ugly thing in my heart that I need to have refined. But, for now, this is where God has me and I need Him to draw me forward out of it all.

And, so far, Hewitt has been without seizures all day...maybe last night was a fluke thing. Not sure.

No comments: