As I look back over the last entry, I still can't read it without crying because it is so fresh. God has been doing a work in me though and I feel like I am starting to get a glimpse of what He is speaking to my heart.
We have been learning and teaching about faithfulness at youth group for a few weeks now. Last night we talked about unfaithfulness, we read in Exodus 32 about how the Israelites fashioned an idol after Moses had been gone for so long because they wanted a god to lead them. As I read this passage I was caught between two things. The first and obvious was the audacity of these people to not credit God for bringing them out of Egypt and so quickly turning their backs on him because they were impatiently waiting for their leader. It is easy for me to look at this and think - "You idiots! Do you not see? Do you not get it?" On the other hand, I saw something new. God created us for relationship. He created these people to worship and have relationship with Him. While there is no excuse for their blatant unfaithfulness I feel like I can relate to their desire to have a leader, to have SOMETHING to cling to as they start down this new and unknown path. I was amazed at the correlations of this passage and my own life as we walk down this new path with Hewitt. I think a lot of people that are facing a new trial could relate. I have had people tell me that they are amazed at how strong I have been through all of this. Sometimes it is easier to be strong when the affliction is so great. Not that I am being strong of my own power. But, it is easy to turn to God and let Him take control when it's obvious to you, you are no longer in control.
Now, for me, it is in the waiting that is harder. It seems ridiculous if I step back and look at the situation. I should be thankful and joyful in the reprieve from seizure activity, but I'm not. Much like I think the Israelites were being ridiculous in their actions. When you are in the moment, caught in a day when there is no end or hope in sight, it is easy to turn inward and look for something else. My idol has been this pursuit of hope. I have not been seeking hope out of faithfulness, but to ease my own miserable heart and mind. My desire for hope in my day to day living is so strong and yet I can't even see what that hope is supposed to look like anymore. I am so blinded by this idol I have fashioned for myself. Somewhere in my mind I have told myself that I deserve to have hope, that I deserve to see what God is doing RIGHT NOW, today! I scoff at people that "throw" verses at me. I don't think this life is an equation that we can just plug a passage into and make things better. I believe this desire comes from God...just like the Israelites He created me for relationship. He created me to pursue Him, worship Him and love Him. Sadly, I have been missing it. I have been missing the blessing of encouragement out of my desire to have authenticity. What I should be doing is taking those verses and meditating on them, letting them penetrate my heart and soul and letting God do the work, not me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed when God shows me the selfishness of my own heart. From overhwelmed I move to humbled that He would love me and then amazed that He would give His own Son, for a heart like mine. It doesn't make sense. Much like this entry might not make sense. I have been processing a lot this last week, so if this is disjointed, I apologize. God has been working in my heart all week, trying to open my eyes to see that I don't have to have answers. Amen to that.